Lunar-tics and Nick Earls-speak

The last three full moons have had strong Plutonic influences ... two full moons last month in Scorpio and then yesterday's full moon conjunct Pluto. I'm not sure if it's a new sensitivity to the full moon, or it's the Pluto/Scorpio effect, but the energy has made it almost impossible to settle into sleep.

The last two nights I've given up bed and resettled myself on the couch. It would seem an odd thing to do, when there are at least two other full sized beds in our house. There's something about sleeping on the couch that seperates me from sleep angst and allows me to relax. In the past I've also turned and slept at the other end of the bed, something about a change of scenery that worked as an antidote to insomnia. Well so has been my theory. The couch trick didn't work Tuesday night and but was only slightly more effective last night.

The problem last night was that I must have gone to sleep for a little bit in our bed and then woke up. My whole body ached .. including the soles of my feet. After some tossing and turning, I grabbed two pillows and marched off across the cold wooden floors, bound for the couch. The problem was, that even in that small space of time, my mind had set into creating an internal dialogue in the tone of Nick Earls (I'm currently reading his first novel Zig Zag Street)

Not only am I now suffering from an aching body, strangely aching heels, a fear of not being able to go back to sleep, but I'm now running a comedic commentary about my plight in my head. As I flop on the couch and rearrange the doona (that's left there from the night before) I'm reciting it all back to myself ... or to some other unknown listener? At least I've bought two pillows tonight, that's forethought for you .... why are my heels sore, its like I've been to a rave and I only danced on the back part of my foot all night and that's where I got this weird heel pain from ... the full moon light is seeking me out like daggers between the venetian blinds ... seriously!

Then when I do get to sleep, it's my own nocturnal take on what I'd just read. It's my turn to not sleep in my hotel room, because I'm asleep in another hotel room with someone (in this case it wasn't my boss - I have no idea who it was and there was definitely not sex involved) And thrown in there, at some point in the dream, I'm in a night club (it's nothing like I've even been in, in real life, but I've been to this club before in my dreams) and there's a man there putting make up .. and it all seems quite reasonable. I put on make up too. My eyes are made up in the most vivid, vibrant metallic magenta, in a way that's not possible in real life (because of course the shape of my eyes is different in this dream) When I look in the mirror I have long hair - down to my shoulders and it's dark and curly like my friend Michelle's. I ponder that it's odd - I was certain my hair was short when I arrived. When the dream ends I realise that because I didn't sleep in my hotel room, I've gone home and left everything that I brought in my hotel room - the unslept in hotel room.

Tonight I'm hoping for better - slightly more sensible dreams (yeah right!) and better sleep. Tonight the moon is waning in the the sensible sign of Capricorn ... well grounded and steady. Maybe I wont need to sleep on the couch tonight. I'm dog tired and I have been for days. I'm about to bleed (I've been anticipating it for days now as my rational brain has already taken leave of my body and is set up in the Red Tent waiting for the rest of me to arrive) and I just want to sleep ...

Goddess, muse and creativity

"It used to be that Goddesses performed miracles. Now they write books telling us how to perform our own."
Sarah Ban Breathnach

Simple Abundance: A daybook of comfort and joy

If there was ever a statement that managed to succinctly combine my spiritual and professional lives it would be this. It made me smile. It made me realise that what I do as a writer is profound (even when I think it is not!) ... which is important at the moment as we continue to chip away at creating our eBook, reclaiming sex after birth.

It encapsulates what Julia Cameron speaks of in the Artist Way. That artists are conduits ... conductors of creativity, bringing it from 'up there' to 'down here'. I'm not presumptuous enough to say, 'Hey yeah - I'm a Goddess' ... but I love the fact that I can channel Her energy and perhaps in the process create a ripple effect. There seem to be any number of projects, most recently the ebook project, that I look back on and think 'how the hell did I get involved in that?' It is so beyond where I feel comfortable.

It's the will of the Universe ... and while I'm a firm believer in free will, I believe that things happen to us, at the right times and for the right reasons, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. It's all part of the greater good. It's another drop of synchronicity or serendipity.

All the projects that I can think of, that fall into this category - have pushed me outside of my comfort zone (which makes me think of some writing I read recently that asked if I tree to feels pain as it shoots new branches?) and allowed me to grow. Paul says I write best when I'm in my uncomfort zone .. so perhaps I function best as a human being when I am outside my comfort zone.

I remember always loving the catch phrase of Freedom furniture (who incidently my Dad has been in the employment of for the past three years, having just resigned to take up his dream job!) 'Live outside the square'. It always appealed to me. Now I'm not necessarily living outside the square that is 'the social norm' but I am living outside of my own square ... and that makes things interesting.

For now I will be content to know that yet again, I might not be able to change the world, heal all those who hurt, make it better for all of those who are worse off, this ebook might change the lives of a couple of people who read it (maybe, and hopefully many more than a few!) and that will be meaningful. It reminds me of what a work colleague once said to me when I worked in behaviour management. "You can't save them all, but if you make a difference in must one kids life, it will have all been worth it." And he was right!

Artwork: Goddess mandala sticker available from Goddess gifts

The Wonderful Place: a new book by Chrissy Butler

My friend, Chrissy Butler, author and illustrator of "My Brother Jimi Jazz" has a new book The Wonderful Place . The Wonderful Place is a picture book which celebrates the joys of toddler breastfeeding, seen through the eyes of 3 year old Jimi Jazz. The artwork is ink, water colour and collage on paper. Prints can be ordered of any of the artwork.

Chrissy's new book is set for release on the 22nd of August. Copies can be pre-ordered from Chrissy's website here for $22 (including postage and handling inside Australia) or $26 (outside of Australia).

We have loved reading Jimi Jazz and enjoyed being able to share it with other friends as well. As my breastfeeding time has ended (fondly and sadly remembered on Dylan's birthday this year - as it was one whole year without breastfeeding) I am sure that when we get this book, it will open dialogue about that time between the two of us.

Abundance meets authenticity

"Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
Margery Williams
The Velveteen Rabbit

This year I decided rather than set myself goals or resolutions, I'd choose a theme in which to live my life. The theme I chose was authenticity. This morning's essay in Simple Abundance was about being real, about being authentic. Sarah Ban Breathnach reflects on the lessons and themes explored in The Velveteen Rabbit. I don't initimately remember the story. They read it to us in our home room period when I was in my first year at high school. Our homeroom teacher, Mrs Smith, was one of the PE staff and was the least warm and fuzzy person I'd come across at the school. She was often late to home room and more often, completely absent, leaving the older girls in our homeroom group to take the roll for her. So anything that may have been grokked from the story, was completely lost on me as a teenager.

Having said that ... hopefully tomorrow Dylan and I will be able to go to the library and borrow out The Velveteen Rabbit. I can reaccquaint myself with the story and share another classic children's book with my son.

On the subject of authenticity, Breathnach outlines a very simple and common sense way in which to work towards a life of authenticity (if only I had found this at the beginning of the year!)

• learn to acknowledge, accept and appreciate what it is that makes you different from others


• learn to trust the wisdom of your heart and make creative choices based on what you know is right for you


• endow even the smallest moment of each day with love

I have definitely decided over the past six months that the first two are essential to a life of authenticity. To me it's meant:

• working with and not against the rhythms of my body


• living up to the expectations I have in life, and not those of others ... to put myself first and do what I need to do for me. This has included not feeding energy into the melodramas of others


• treating myself as important and precious, and making time to nurture myself and enjoy small luxuries


• knowing that I need to have a balance between mind and body


• working daily with my creativity


• understanding my beliefs and the constructs around them, and how they inform my world view, my self view, my thoughts, emotions and reactions

• understanding that imperfection is the only kind of perfection to aspire to
  

I had never stopped to think about endowing every small moment with love. I guess that's what being totally present in each moment is about - loving it, regardless of what it is.

Recently Dylan has been coming up to me and asking me if I 'still love him' - especially after we've had a blow up or an episode of challenging behaviour. I keep telling him that I love him always - I love him when he's happy, when he's sad and even when he's angry. A mother's love is unconditional and this is what makes the bond real and authentic. So it makes perfect sense to apply this same law of unconditional and constant love to every moment in life.

Breathnach comments that, "When you do these things, you become real to those who know and love you, but Real to everyone. You become authentic. " And real to everyone - includes bcoming real to yourself. What a fantastic journey to be on!

Dream: of yearning and trees

...I'm in a room with people I don't know. Celebration is in the air ... a wedding, but not yet! I must know someone, I am here, but I have no idea who it is, and it doesn't seem to matter. A man catches my eye, yet I dare not look at him. I see him stealing glances sideways at me too. Neither of us are able to look each other openly in the eye. Someone might see us, they might suspect the spark of feeling there. I desperately want to look at him, gaze with drunken adoration at him. But he is the groom ... and I am no one.

.... A white linen clad mattress lays across the floor. I lie on my stomach facing down the mattress - he lies at the end ... just beyond the reach of my finger tips. I steal a glance, our eyes met for a moment and then tear themselves away. I dare not touch him though I desperately want to. The fear of the reaction would be too much for me to bear. He is not mine to touch, nor to look at. But he is so close .. and I know he wants it as badly as I do. Contact.

.... I am in a garden. There are trees and a large expanse of lush green lawn. On the driveway the groom stands with others. Again I want to look and I feel his eyes searing into me. I take a pair of hand held pruning scissors and I begin to cut the dead growth from the trees around me. I am cutting, throwing away the debris, working my way through the garden, hot and sweaty, focused and intent, until I come to the final tree. The one nearest the driveway. I clear the final branched with my scissors and I know that he is still there - he has seen my handy work. I look around and the garden is tidy, cleared. It seems to sparkle ... seems more alive than possible. But what now.

... in the distance a telephone rings. A voice on the answering machine instructs me to go some place where no one will see us together. He must meet me ..... and I wake!

Simple Abundance: The Blessing of Friends

Each friend represents a world to us, a world possibly not born until they arrive and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Anais Nin

At the Lifeline Bookfest over the June long weekend I picked up a copy of Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance:a daybook of comfort and joy. Late last year I picked up a new copy for a friends birthday as 'abundance' was the word that kept coming up when I was thinking of her (as it turns out she's pregnant with her fourth child ... that's about as primally abundant as you can get!) I wanted to get myself a copy, as I liked the ideas at the end of each month with suggestions for simple luxuries to enjoy the month ... as well as a daily essay. I waited however and got myself a beautifully looked after second hand hard back copy! My new committment is to read the daily essay - either before or after writing my morning pages (depending on how I'm feeling or going for time). It's a good way to get a focus for the day to provide an idea to reflect on.

This morning I actually read the wrong essay today. I thought I would go back and read the essay again (because I'd sort of skimmed through parts of it), which was when I discovered I'd read the wrong one. Today's essay was on the blessing of friends and was today's lashing of synchronicity, as I got my old friend Kirsten, and her two sons Biku and Lucien came over today for morning tea. It's been months since we saw each other - since my self imposed 'time out.'

Kirsten is the current convenor of HMA and while we were good friends prior to her taking up this position (we met during pregnancy in a birth workshop run by our yoga teacher), working together really cemented our friendship last year. Kirsten's capacity for generosity and to truly listen, are phenomenal ... and I've been about to share my journey, unedited with her, over the years. Her gentleness, her joy in the art of meaningful conversaion (because I love to talk too) and her empathy are true and rare gifts. She supported me wholeheartedly when I made the decision to withdraw from my volunteer work last year ... even though I knew at the time she was going 'shit shit shit' in her head - as it meant for her, supporting the creation of a magazine committee to take over the work that I had been doing. I knew it would make her role as convenor difficult for a bit, but her support for me was unflagging - I never felt for one minute she begrudged me my decision.

Since mid February this year, I've been 'underground' - cocooned in a way from the world, in order for me to find my grounding again, to establish a reference point for myself that is beyond 'doing work for others', reconnecting with myself and nourishing my artist within. During this time, with one exception, I've basically had a blackout on all my friends. I was able to articulate it to my lovely friend Anna in early March, what was going on because she could feel the change in energy. I didn't feel that I had it in me to explain it to all my friends ... they all talk (not gossip!) and I knew they would all find out was going on with me. Intrinsically I knew none of them would hold this against me, that they would understand my need to walk my path without them for a bit. And they haven't. To me this is the essence of true friendship.

It was weird, the interconnectiveness of our energies - when I began to think that I was ready to emerge from my cocoon ... the phone began ringing again. One by one, I have been able to reconnect with old friends - cuppa and a lunch with one friend, a phone call from another, an invite to a bar to celebrate a birthday (which enabled me to catch up with many other old friends) and then Kirsten's visit today. She came bearing gifts too ... much loved handmade body products (including my fav mocha body scrub and mini massage bars from Luna Bloom) and even more treasured, a spiral goddess necklace (something I've wanted for the longest time). The gifts was a thank you from HMA. The gift is gorgeous and I gratefully appreciate the recognition, but it makes me feel a little strange to accept it. I never really asked for anything because everything I gave HMA, I gave freely. I remind myself that it's good to inturn be recognised and appreciated.

Anais Nin's quote up the top reminds me that all the friends that I have in Brisbane were born out of birthing ... they are all friends who I met through the homebirth support group, through pregnancy yoga or mummy yoga. My world was born through them and through Dylan, and so intrisically linked, that neither can really be seperated. They helped to birth me as the woman that I am still becoming, to support me through the sharing of their wisdom and to radically alter not just my world view, but the way in which I veiwed myself. I know definitely that I am who I am because of them. Merle Shain said "Friends are people who help you be more yourself, more the person that you are intended to be." Thank you to Nickole, Anna, Kirsten, Alex, Andrea, Mandy, Rachael, Genevieve, Jo, Michelle, Melissa, Kylie and all the other women who have come through and touched my life as friends and fellow journeywomen since 2004!

Which brings me to my incredibly dear friend Annie. I didn't met Annie through my birthing groups, though in time she did become part of this social group. Annie is a very old friend of my bestfriend and we were told to link up when we arrived in Brisbane. Karen had a crazy idea that we'd get along (little did she know, hey Annie, just how well she would get on) This year, Annie has been my almost constant companion and had had a grounding influence on me, when I needed to take time out from life. I'm not sure if I would be walking with such passion and committment the path of a writer if it were not for her decision to walk the same path. I'm not meant to be a lone writer - that's for sure. This is my thanks to you Annie, for all that you've consciously and unconsciously done this year to support me. Friends are blessings, most definitely, and the Universe (via Karen) blessed me with your friendship.

Take time out today to let a friend know how much you appreciate them. Send them a card, write a letter or an email, take around a bunch of flowers, ring and organise a time together for brunch, lunch or a movie, send them a virtual gift through facebook or some good karma. As it is winter here in Australia, if you have a friend who is sick offer to help them out with their kids for a morning, cook a meal for them or do as Breathnach suggests - take around a get well pack with a book, some cough drops, a box of luxurious tissues and some soup. Simple things say so much!

Reclaim sex after birth

The blog for our website, reclaim sex after birth, has gone live. If you would like to comment on any of our musings over there, please feel free to. It is our aim to create a rich and honest resource, deeply embedded in the human experience. We can only do that with the support and interaction of every day folk such as yourselves!