Succulence and Sensuality

Over the weekend I was honoured to be part of a women's spirituality workshop on 'Succulence and Sensuality'. It came at just the right time for me, as I travel to transcend the beliefs I have about sexality and sensuality that are no longer serve me. Over the past six months I've had my beliefs about sex throw up in my face numerous times.

It started last year when I tried to read Linda Savage's "Reclaim Goddess Sexuality" as part of my preparation for creating the 'Sex After Birth' issue of Down to Birth. I read the word sensuality and realised that I've never thought of anything in my life as being sensual - least of all myself. I started to question and query how it could be possible that I could be 34 and have never consider life from a sensual point of view, never considered that sex was more than 'sex' that it had a distinct and important sensual element to it. So sensuality entered my life.


Writing the editorial for the issue was hard -because I had to face up to all the things that I'd been hiding from for the past three years ... and then I had to send it to Dave, for him to read it and OK that it went to print. Putting it all down on paper seemed to make it real, gave substance to the issues I had had. There is something to be said for not just putting something down - whether it be writing or saying it, but for having it witnessed by others. My editorial was witnessed by 300 other women who read that issue (and it's about to go to print again!)


About a month or so later, I picked up "Reclaim Goddess Sexuality" again. I got a little further this time and began the exercise on intimacy. Again, like sensuality, I wondered where my beliefs around intimacy had grown up, as I realised that almost all of my relationships in the past, have been light on in terms of intimacy. It came to me the following day. When I was eight I was in a pantomime, my first time on stage in a live theatrical performance. Over the two week period, I developed a close friendship with another boy in the pantomime. He was older than me, had a track record on the stage and helped to ease me through the worst of my stage fright. What started off as friendship, developed into more ... slowly and what I would consider now, quite innocently. Until one day he kissed me. The kiss was overseen and all hell broke loose. What I learnt from the experience was that intimacy was wrong and it was also dangerous - it got you into trouble.


Reflecting back now - all my relationships (with one exception) grew from one night stands or very short periods of 'getting to know you'. I learnt the lesson well at that tender age that intimacy was to be avoided at all costs. Now I find myself at 34 trying to reconnect with intimacy and find all kinds of walls being thrown up.


About a month back, I was invited to a 'Sex Party' ... something that really pushed my boundaries. I couldn't imagine sitting there discussing vibrators, lotions and potions - trying on lingerie. But I agreed to go - saying I would sit at the back and put a paper bag over my head. It turned out to be one of the most enjoyable afternoons I've had in years. The manner in which the products were presented made them normal - sex portrayed as pleasure! Afterwards we were discussing with the presenter how we all learn at a very early age that sex is dirty and dangerous. When you add that to beliefs around intimacy you come up with some potent barriers to sex.

In my last kinesiology session we went to work on my libido - what was wrong with me? There was nothing wrong with my hormones or my biology. What was wrong - emotional and intellectual issues that were blocking my libido. Jacqui cleared away the blocks and left me in a state to trascend my beliefs. Yeah right ... easier said than done.


Then came the workshop on the weekend with two ladies that I have been lucky enough to sit in circle with over the past three years, both body based psychotherapists. The workshop on 'succulence and sensuality' incorporated elements of the dance workshop that I attended back in February, invoked the Goddesses Hathor, Innana, Freya, Lillith and Lakshmi and provided much process work. The first part of the workshop was held Friday night, with a break over Saturday and then a full day Sunday.


Saturday we were invited to sit with all the things we didn't like, to look in an acknowledge the parts that were hurting or broken, blocked or hidden. What came up for me, is a hatred of my own body. This stunned me, but by the same token seemed to make quite a lot of sense to. When I began to cut Dylan's breastfeeds back to just a feed before bed last year, I started to stack on the weight. I had real battles with an appetite and metabolism that still ran at a breastfeeding rate, and I put on a lot of weight as a consequence. I've had people assume that I am pregnant -very pregnant, and although I've tried hard not to let it eat away at me, obviously it had.


I realised that if I hated my body - then I wasn't going to consciously or unconsciously treat it with the love, reverance and nurturance that it deserved. I realised that if I considered my body unworthy, then I was actually telling myself that I was unworthy. Neither were the type of self talk that I wanted running in a subterrean stream. Sunday I sat in circle and said all of this - and how I had felt tired and nauseous ... but how in the evening, going out to see live theatre and laughing, I'd felt exhilerated and free. Part of me was going up and part of me was going down.


By the end of the workshop, I felt succulent and I felt sensuous. While there is still many more skins to peel from the onion, I feel as though, for the first time in years that I've had a break through. I can think of sensuality, without sexualising it. I can ponder the beliefs I have held around sex - of sex being about power, of it being wrong, shameful, dirty and dangerous ... and now those beliefs just don't resonnate. They feel like shadows. I understand now that it wasn't having a baby or being a mother that 'destroyed' my sex life. Becoming a mother birthed me as an authentic woman, and sex has remained on hiatus while I have sought out and rebuilt a matrix that conforms with my new beliefs, experiences and world view as a woman.


And I've taken up dancing again ... but not in a class. I've finally burnt onto discs the music I downloaded of Gabrielle Roth's (the 5 Rhythms) and created space to dance in, and an altar of sorts. I've come to understand that I can't 'think' my way out of this, I won't transcend these beliefs mired down in circular thought patterns. The only way I will transcend is to (literally) move through them ... and the only way I know now, is to dance. My body feels alive, tired and sore as this layer of the onion skin is peeled and discarded. The journey continues ....


... But I love my body as I dance, the slow circular movements of my hips, the flowing movements of my arms, the way my head and thoughts quieten and I can just be in the moment. The way my heart quickens, the blood races and my body temperature rises. The freedom the movement lf dance brings with it. And I dance only for me and the Goddess ... and it feels rich and succulent, divine and sensual ... it feels like being truly alive.


Artwork: Sensuality (Lak and Ang) by Louis Parsons - art with soul

Goddess, muse and creativity

"It used to be that Goddesses performed miracles. Now they write books telling us how to perform our own."
Sarah Ban Breathnach

Simple Abundance: A daybook of comfort and joy

If there was ever a statement that managed to succinctly combine my spiritual and professional lives it would be this. It made me smile. It made me realise that what I do as a writer is profound (even when I think it is not!) ... which is important at the moment as we continue to chip away at creating our eBook, reclaiming sex after birth.

It encapsulates what Julia Cameron speaks of in the Artist Way. That artists are conduits ... conductors of creativity, bringing it from 'up there' to 'down here'. I'm not presumptuous enough to say, 'Hey yeah - I'm a Goddess' ... but I love the fact that I can channel Her energy and perhaps in the process create a ripple effect. There seem to be any number of projects, most recently the ebook project, that I look back on and think 'how the hell did I get involved in that?' It is so beyond where I feel comfortable.

It's the will of the Universe ... and while I'm a firm believer in free will, I believe that things happen to us, at the right times and for the right reasons, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. It's all part of the greater good. It's another drop of synchronicity or serendipity.

All the projects that I can think of, that fall into this category - have pushed me outside of my comfort zone (which makes me think of some writing I read recently that asked if I tree to feels pain as it shoots new branches?) and allowed me to grow. Paul says I write best when I'm in my uncomfort zone .. so perhaps I function best as a human being when I am outside my comfort zone.

I remember always loving the catch phrase of Freedom furniture (who incidently my Dad has been in the employment of for the past three years, having just resigned to take up his dream job!) 'Live outside the square'. It always appealed to me. Now I'm not necessarily living outside the square that is 'the social norm' but I am living outside of my own square ... and that makes things interesting.

For now I will be content to know that yet again, I might not be able to change the world, heal all those who hurt, make it better for all of those who are worse off, this ebook might change the lives of a couple of people who read it (maybe, and hopefully many more than a few!) and that will be meaningful. It reminds me of what a work colleague once said to me when I worked in behaviour management. "You can't save them all, but if you make a difference in must one kids life, it will have all been worth it." And he was right!

Artwork: Goddess mandala sticker available from Goddess gifts

MOON BLOOD: elemental menstruation

“Blood is the connection between the light and the dark ... It carries the soul, as it is the mixture of the feminine and the masculine. It is the seed of life.”
Felicity Wombwell
‘The Goddess Changes’

A woman’s womb is her sacred core. It is the centre from which she physically and metaphorically conceives, nurtures and births her creations. Menstruation is a crucial function of this space – a sacrosanct monthly activity which invites all women to reconnect with their divine selves, both as woman and goddess. This is a time when the inner and outer world is thinly veiled and to cross between is at its easiest.

There is much pleasure and empowerment to be found in celebrating the experience of bleeding each month. Menstruation is what makes us proud and strong, divine and sensual, connected and content women. Yet we are burdened by centuries of shame and embarrassment; pleasure and empowerment have been replaced with pain and disconnection. Estrangement from the natural rhythms and processes of menstruation has bought with it a myriad of menstrual disease. Women have lost their wisdom and their bond of the blood - and they are suffering.

The following is my own interpretation of an elemental experience of menstruation based on Alexandra Pope’s theory that process of menstruation is the most sensitive of our biological process to toxicity. She asserts that when we are exposed to any sort of toxicity or stressor in life, it is expressed as dysfunction in the way in which we bleed (which includes the days leading up to bleeding). My assertion is that shame and disconnection are very real toxins that are unsettling our elemental-balance, poisoning women physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. I believe this is a different paradigm in which to explore our notions and experience of menstrual disease.

FIRE – self will
Fire is the element of creativity, imagination, action and passion. It is our will, our drive and motivation. It’s also considered in the Three World elemental view to represent separateness, sacredness, the unknown and madness. Fire is the red of menstrual blood and also the colour of transformation.

Fire in the negative expression is found in the anger and uncontrollable rage often associated with PreMenstrual Tension (PMT). It is the burning desire to be left alone, when we most acutely feel the lack of boundaries in our lives. Fire is also the irritability that creeps under the skin like small insects and the dissatisfaction with everything, regardless of how perfect life may have seemed that morning. It is the distance that we place between ourselves and our most sacred of biological processes. Alternatively it can manifest as apathy and a lack of motivation (which is different from feeling tired or lethargic) – the ‘I can’t be bothered ….’ or ‘who cares’. It is the literal manifestation of the too much or too little fire in our blood.

Suggestions for reclaiming menstruation through the element of fire:

*Work ritually with anger/irritation/dissatisfaction/apathy. They are pointing you, like a compass, to whatever in your life is not working. Do you need to reset your boundaries? Do you need to find a job that allows you to express your creativity or imagination? Do you need to take a good look at relationships in your life that are not working for you? Write a list of things in your life that you are not happy with, and burn them ceremoniously. Then write a new list, of things that you wish to welcome into your life. Place these on your altar to remind you of the new energy and experiences that you are welcoming into your life.

*Gift yourself a creative project for your bleeding time – is there a creative pursuit that you really love but never have time to do it. You moon time is a perfect time to pamper yourself, your creativity and your imagination.

*Wear a piece of red clothing, a red necklace or burn a red candle

*Use you anger productively - write a letter of protest to your local member of Parliament about the environment, women’s rights or another social justice issue that you are passionate about .

*Work with Pele (awakenings) or Lillith (power)*

AIR – self belief
Air is the element of thought, knowledge and communication. It is the element of our intellect, our inspiration but also our detachment. Our wisdom is bound to the element of air.

Air represents the negative beliefs and thought patterns that we have about menstruation. It is the ideas we have inherited about being cursed, dirty and shameful; the buying into and perpetuation of the patriarchal myths about menstruation and women in general. Additionally it is the emphasis on silence or the sharing of only negative experiences of bleeding. It can manifest physically as a sense of detachment or dislocation with the world. Air is most commonly experienced as forgetfulness.

Suggestions for reclaiming menstruation through the element of air:

* Read books such as the The Wise Wound, Blood, bread & roses: how menstruation created the world, The Wild Genie, Women’s Wisdom Women’s Bodies and Moon Rites and get a different view on menstruation.

* Invite a few friends over for an informal ‘blood circle’ – share your experiences of menstruation, from menarche until now.

* Write down all your negative beliefs around menstruation and replace them with positive ones.

*Work with Maya (illusions) and Minerva (beliefs)

WATER – self love
Water is the element of emotions, feeling and intuition. It is our connection to the cyclic and lunar nature of life – the never ending circle of birth, death and rebirth. It is our menstrual blood. The element of water also embodies dimensions of honour and power in the Three World view. Water is our ability to literally ‘go with the flow.’ Dreams and the experience of the unconsciousness are also connected to the element of water.

Water represents the mood swings and unpredictability that is the flip side of the anger and rage of PMT. It is the depression, the sorrow and tears that are shed. It is best symbolised by the use of tampons, which literally plug the flow of blood from the body, thwarting the flow of power within our body. It is the dishonouring of the most essential part of our womanhood, the hatred that we lavish ourselves through the hatred of our bleeding. The element of water can also manifest as dreams of blood. Water in its most negative manifestation is the manner in which divorce ourselves completely from the process of menstruation pharmacologically by continually taking the Pill, or consenting to injections and implants that stop the cyclic process all together.

Suggestions for reclaiming menstruation through the element of water:

* Use cloth pads and allow yourself to experience the flow of blood from your body. Allow yourself to feel honoured, powerful and loved.

* Consider natural and time honoured methods of contraception that do not interfere with your natural cycles.

* Chart your cycle using a moon diary.

* Consider working with a therapist, in the fields of kinesiology, acupuncture, homeopathy or naturopathy if you feel your extremes of emotions affect your ability to function.

* Relax in a warm scented bath

* Eat roasted sweet potato to help balance out mood swings.

* Mourn and let go of the disappointments of the preceding month. Use a similar ritual as the one detailed in the fire section.

* Keep a dream diary, and note common themes or messages in relation to their place in your cycle.

* Write a list of simple pleasures which you can treat yourself to every day, as a way of saying to yourself ‘I love you’ – but especially in the days before you bleed and while you are bleeding.

* Work with Morgan le Faye (rhythms) and Changing Woman (cycles)

Earth – self nourishment
Earth is the element of grounding, of the real and tangible. It is the element of physical experience – of pain and pleasure. Earth is the element of fertility, nurturing and nourishment. It is the element of sensuality.

Earth is experienced as a feeling of heaviness in the body, of low energy and tiredness. It manifests physically in bloating, breast tenderness, migraines, cramping, back ache and the debilitating pain of bleeding. This is the element also associated with sugar cravings. And it’s where we buy into consumerism and the ultimate dishonouring of our blood. We buy tampons and synthetic, artificially scented sanitary pads that poison our bodies, aggravating our wombs, causing pain and increased bleeding. And then we throw away our blood.

Suggestions for reclaiming menstruation through the element of earth:

* REST! (either before or during your bleeding) when your energy is at its lowest ebb. This is honestly the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your family. One day of nurturing will recharge you for another month and can work to avert the worst of the physical manifestations (such as migraines and debilitating pain – which force your body to stop!)

* Nourish your body with organic, well cooked food – especially lots of protein to counter sugar cravings.

* Make or buy cloth pads and use the soaking water to fertilise and nourish your
garden.

* Use natural forms of pain relief, such as hot packs and essential oils

* If you experience extreme pain during bleeding, considering doing a detox or work with castor oil packs to purge your system of toxins in between moon times (great information is contained in Alexandra Pope’s ‘Wild Genie’ for those who are debilitated by menstrual pain.)

ETHER – spiritual connection
The ether is also called the spirit. To me it is the connection that binds us all together – individually to the Great Creatrix and collectively to each other.

Due to the shrouds of shame and each woman’s ideas of being dirty and cursed by menstruation, the sacred experience of menstruation has been denigrated and disconnected from a spiritual source. It is said during menstruation that the veil that divides us from our inner self is at its thinnest and we can be at our most connected, and I see that this is the same with our connection with the Creatrix if we are willing to explore. Menstruation is an invitation and opportunity to walk and work with Her.

Women were never meant to bleed alone, in obscurity and derision. Any of you who have ever share housed with at least one other woman will know that cycles link up. To me this is a very clear sign post that menstruation is intended to be a social activity, to be done collectively as sacred and important. As a special significant social activity, it is imperative that young girls are initiated into power and pleasure of bleeding at menarche by other women. This is where the quiet revolution begins.

By embracing and exploring the negative expressions of our menstruation, I believe that we are able to move closer to sealing the breech between the light and the darkness. By using the characteristics unique to each of the five elements, I believe we can all find ways to re-channel pleasure and power back into our experiences of bleeding, and to assist in rescuing our most sacred aspect of womanhood. Women need to act now to spark a rebellion against shame and disconnection if they are to reclaim menstruation as precious, sacred and significant. And when they do, each women will again be valued, blessed and powerful.


Published in this month's GAIA newsletter

Of boils and Goddesses

What happens when you mix a staph infection, the Goddess tarot, a Fiction Friday prompt and Julia Cameron’s ‘morning pages’ medative practise?
A trip into the Soul that’s been a long time waiting.

ednesday morning, as I was attempting to slide out of bed, from between Dave and Dylan, there was a blinding pain. When I got out of the shower I thought to look and discovered a raised and inflamed area on my inner right thigh, a hand’s span in diameter almost! My first thought was an ingrown hair or a blind pimple. The following day after a 24 hours of green clay packs on it and some rather persistent nausea, I had to relent and re-diagnose. The painful and vicious ‘thing’ was a boil. I still grimace when I have to say the word …. Urgh!

This is the third time in my adult life that I’ve been struck down with a staph infection. In the past I’ve been really, really sick before the boils have appeared – fevers, night sweats and terrors, nausea, diahorrea and epic lethargy. The ‘a huh!’ moment has come with the skin eruptions. This time though, my body seemed to save all its energy for the building pustules – how nice! Or so I thought!

Three days of green clay last week helped to reduce the swelling, the pain and the heat in the area. The nausea seemed to go, as did the diahorrea and my energy faltered on the side of an upswing, rather than the down swing. Now five days on my boil hasn’t gone away and to my mortification, another raised its ugly head yesterday morning on my neck – on the right side again. Sigh! There is obviously more to it.

Friday I went onto Mystic Medusa’s blog to see what was happening there, discussions about the dark moon cocoon feeling. I mentioned that I had boils – hoping that someone would be able to offer up an energetic explanation for what was happening. Jack pot – there was plenty of wisdom on offer. Louise Hays says boils are about anger boiling over. Really? Hadn’t Anger and I already done the hard yards earlier on in the year – haven’t Anger and I been dancing a passionate tango for years now. Surely there is not more there? Surely? The affirmations to go with boils and carbuncles are “"I express love and joy and am at peace" and "I release the past and allow time to heal every area of my life." The final one made more sense to me … and even more so this morning. After all any type of awakening for me is a slow unfolding process!

Dan reinforced all of this asking me 'what’s boiling or on the boil', where was my life 'boiled'. What was cooking? Not a lot in my oven that’s for sure – for more than a week I’ve been unable to lift the oven even though every other adult can do so. The ignition works but no matter how long I hold the knob down the flame wont stay. Dan also reminded me that our ailments can be viewed as symptoms of the soul – as healers.

So by Friday afternoon I’d assembled an interesting collection of wisdom – none of which was really geling with me.

Saturday was the New Moon, a blissfully, watery beginning to a new lunar cycle. As I wrote here I make wishes on the new moon and then I pull two cards from my Goddess Oracle deck. It is always spot on – the wishes and the message from the Goddess. I drew my cards in the picnic area at the foot of Mount Tibrogargan and thought how very pertinent to where I was situated at the beginning of another lunar cycle.

The Goddess messages for this lunar cycle came from the Haiwaiian Goddess Pele at the top, ancient British Goddess Sulis, from the healing spas in Bath.

Pele bought to me her the wisdom, that of awakenings:

….when necessary
With dramatic, fierce volcanic eruptions
I wake you up
With lava and fire
I say “pay attention”
-Goddess Oracle-


I’ve had for the last week a restless slip stream of energy, wanting to get on, break out of the nurturing cocoon that I’ve been hibernating in, reconnecting with my Self and filling the cup that was sorely parched. It’s what has been in the forefront of my mind, this need to re-emerge, but perhaps the plan to exercise my new butterfly wings is a little premature. Dramatic, fierce volcanic eruptions sounds a little like a boil wouldn’t you agree? This illness is saying ‘pay attention’, but attention to what?

This cycle the wisdom of Sulis permeates the lower stream, filling in the details with her the wisdom of the illness/wellness dance. I often take the lower card to be the energy that is passing through and out of my life, or something that is unconscious. Rarely does it represent the here and now – making me realyl pay attention, looking for the hooks and the connections.

The healing waters at my shrine
regenerated
revitalised
brought clarity
mended holes
opened vision
allowed flow
with energy flowing
The dance of life resumes
- Goddess Oracle-

Friday I finally got around to writing my article for Down to Birth about my experience of losing my Self in my mothering experiences to date and how devastating it has been for me. I’ve been thinking quite a lot on how to nurture and nourish myself in small, simple, loving ways and the second part of my article went through the importance of having time and space to ourselves. It’s no surprise then that a lot of the wisdom offered in the paragraphs on Sulis are about how “have you been ignoring your own deep requests for more time, more space, more attention.” In that regard – I’m glad that I have awoken to this need and I’m consciously working with it and alerting others to it as well. I’m getting accustomed to making my needs a priority, nourishing my energy and allowing new ways of being me that support this healing process.

My friend Catherine, using 'The body is the barometer for the soul' by Annette Noontil told me boils or carbuncles are, ‘stirred up emotions that you let out, because the stagnation of a concept has come to a head.' That about sums up where I am at the moment and the fact that I have had my eyes opened to what happened with my connection to my Self over the last four years.

“It came to pass that I built a succession of cages around myself – like my own internal labyrinth of imprisonment. Somewhere at the centre, somewhere on this transition through motherhood I’d dropped the Self off and forgotten to go back and pick Her up. Then I’d got busy, distracted and forgot that She even existed.”
‘Finding my Self’ - article for Down to Birth Autumn

Knowing all of this … I still have my boils! As always I ‘get it’ – the yin is well functioning, but don’t know where to go to from there … a serious yang deficit. And then I stumbled onto it by pure accident … a gift from the Universe?

One of the lovely astrofiends on Mystics Blog had suggested that I meditate while I was in my cocoon. Mediation is something that I love, but I always struggle with. I need a guided meditation to get best effect and I never seem to find any good meditations … and then I realised that my Goddess Oracle book has mediations … there is a meditation to travel to and with Sulis … and the title of the meditation … “Recalling and rebuilding your inner fire” and suddenly all the lights went on for me.

That’s what all this has been about. All this musing on nourishment, nurturing, finding the Self etc etc. It is about going back and connecting again with my inner fire – this is the elemental essence of my Self. And by a beautiful stroke of synchronicity, Fiction Friday’s prompt had been about fire … and after my character Brigit danced by/with the fire, she talks about why she dances with the fire what it means to her:

“When I dance with the fire I no longer have to be cautious, or show restraint – I can be impulsive, temperamental, and wilful. I forget that this is a 21st version of Hades.”

She bent down and pulled on an old V neck jumper.
“There are beings called salamanders – elemental beings of fire. They say that the faces you see in the fire are them. Salamanders are Will itself. When I dance I find my will again.”

She threw the stick to him. He caught it one handed, feeling her sweat and the heat of the fire still radiating from the metal.
“Your turn now.”
Fiction Friday 7th March: Fire; dance with me

I understand now that Brigit was throwing ME the fire baton … imploring me to find my Will again, to seek out my face in the flames, to connect with my ‘Will’. Fire is also about the imagination and creativity. It’s also about the burning away of the impurities in the first process in alchemy.

And I’ve got why my boils aren’t going away. I’ve been plastering the heat rising with cool earth. I’ve yet again been smothering and suppressing the fire. Now I need to play with, rather than against the energy. I need to put hot compresses on my skin, I need to draw all of this ‘poison’, these impurities of the soul out, and allow them to flow out like tears for the soul.

I need to be brave and go dance with fire … but first I need to go down to the depths with Sulis.

Post Script: since writing this earlier on today, I’ve got my MP3 recorder to do the meditation. The boil on my leg has expanded ten fold in size … it is desperately trying to make its way out. I’ve put a hot compress on it and rested up in bed (it kills to even sit) … so we’ll see what transpires tomorrow?

Wishes for a New Moon: Capricorn

• I want to consciously and easily use time to my best advantage


• I want to easily find myself demonstrating my competency in fiction and non fiction writing


• I want to be filled with confidence and self discipline, successfully reaching my goal of being a published writer.


• I want total clarity in setting appropriate goals that lead to success in the area I desire.


• I want to easily find myself recognising and utilising opportunities when they arise


• I want to easily find myself filled with the right ideas leading to success in the area of writing


• I want to easily find myself seeing life in a way that bringsjoy.


• I want to easily find myself managing my time in a way that allows plenty of time for work, play and family.


• I want to easily find myself filled with optimism and faith, pursuing directions that make me feel free.

Themes for the current Capricorn new moon:

future security

handling responsibility

reaching goals

success and recognition

management skills

authority figures

releasing controlling tendencies

Jan Spiller, author of New Moon Astrology (where this information and the above wishes is derived) suggests casting or making your wishes within eight hours of the new moon, for best affect, but at any time during the 48 hours past the new moon (unless the moon goes void of course). She also suggests making more than one wish, but no more than ten. The last two points she suggests are that they wishes must always be handwritten (I have a special diary that they are written n) and that you go with your gut feeling on the wishes - I guess without the aid of the book it opens you to go with your intuition for what you want to wish for based on the above themes.

I've been doing this since May last year, and find that it helps to chart my course, by best harnessing the energy present at the beginning of each month. It's not surprising I guess that a lot of my wishes are focused on writing - seeings this is the major aspect of my life that I want to nurture and develop in the coming year. It also seems to bring together what is going on in my life at the time, and synthesizing it into a positive format with which to work with.

At the end of my little writing ritual I always go to my Goddess pack and draw two cards - the top and the bottom cards to see the energy that I have to work with to allow the wishes to materialise ... and as always there is a definite synergy between the cards at the wishes. I got a new pack of Goddess cards for Christmas, so this was their first trip out for the lunar wishes.

This month I drew on the top (which I refer to as the conscious, or what is definitely 'on top' for me in my life at the moment) Nu Kua, who is a Chinese goddess who embodies "Order". With all the reordering that has been going on - this was no surprise. Her wisdom to me:

"Now is the time to nurture yourself with order that assists rather than chockes your life force ... when life is ordered in a natural way, you nurture your path to wholeness."

The bottom card (which I refer to as the unconscious, what is rising to the surface to be understood or acknowledged or is passing and becoming incorporated into life ... and the two cards always seem to work together - often what is on the top one month, is on the bottom the next month) Gyhldeptis is a North American Goddess who embodies 'Synthesis". Her wisdom to me:

"This is the time to find the common thread that will serve your needs in the best way ... wholeness is created when all the parts are honoured and listened to."

More musings on this beautiful Goddess wisdom later. And a Happy New Moon and astrological/lunar year to everyone.

Artwork: "To Be Born" by Remedios Varo, Sagittarian Surrealist ... painting came through with my AstroRave this morning and seemed quite fitting, not to mention beautiful.

Pele: depression, obesity and tiredness

Over the past few days I have been reading 'The Dark Goddess: dancing with the shadow' by Marcia Starck and Gynne Stern. It was one of those impulse buys when in Bent Books at West End on my last Artist's Date. It literally jumped out of the self and into my hand.

I was reading the section on Pele the Hawaiian Goddess of violence, volcanoes, jealousy and lightning (in her dark aspect) Christmas Night. The following really struck a chord with me, especially as I've been on a bit of a quest to better understand the origins of my anger ...

Masks by Rain Walker

"Depression, far more common to women than to men, is often repressed anger. It is safer for many women to appear and feel depressed than to be angry. Anger then gets pushed down into the shadow where it erupts or spews forth unexpectantly, similar to the way a volcano blows its top. Unfortunately hidden anger is a great energy drain, but the chronically tired woman often doesn't know what is wrong with her and blames herself for always feeling tired. Obesity too is connected with hidden anger. Fat protects the body from feeling too strongly impinged on from the outside; also tired women eat for energy." Page 48-49

This made me think about my own battles with depression in the past and what was a possible source for my anger. The largest and most serious episode of depression was the first year I was living with my ex partner. I was angry with him for not understanding me and what was important to me. I felt very alone and without anyone to confide in. I felt as though I had made my bed and had to lie in it, regardless of what it was doing to me, in terms of my relationship. Part of me was also stubbornly determined to make my relationship work - to prove to family and friends interstate that I could have a serious, stable relationship, and that someone could love me - even if that someone didn't really love me and was abusing me in subtle, but powerful ways.

I was incredibly angry with my employment situation at the time and felt as though I was being taken advantage of - working 40 hours a week as a Nanny/housekeeper and then was looking after the same kids another three nights a week while my bosses played sport, or went to bible study class. My partner at the time couldn't understand what was wrong with me - he believed that as a couple we were on a good wicket and told me to try harder. But my anger was explosive and dangerous to both myself and the kids whose care I was entrusted.



In regards to my employment, in true Pele form I exploded and had a screaming match with my boss (I was working as a Nanny) the day before I was to return to work, and she returned that evening with my severance pay. Finding new employment, in a position that gave me responsbility, scope for growth and a chance to have some fun (not to mention 100km from where I was living and beyond the grasp of my ex boss) helped me to climb out of my depression.



And I know my current round of stacking on the weight has to do with my anger. It falls around my belly (to the point that I'm mistaken for being pregnant) and its like the extra weight there is protecting that nurturing centre, whilst I work out and heal the deep anger inside that has to do with the nurturing I'm missing out on from my own mother. And I'm tired for no particular reason, so its time again to look for my anger, and to excavate its source to find a way to heal.


Julia Cameron says that our anger is a compass .. buts its hard to follow the needles when the compass is hidden. Perhaps its time to call on Pele to help me find the way?