Looking for the Divine

If you would learn

the secret

of right relations

look only for the divine

in people and things

and leave all the rest to God*

- J Allen Boone -

Kinship with all Life

I dont believe in tradition notions of 'God' - but I can believe in the workings of the Universe, in serendipity and in energy.

At this point in time I would prefer to leave it 'all' to the Universe to sort out - as old demons and new demons crawl from the abyss of the psyche and blood to revisit all manner of things best left alone - that however seemed to have been ferreted out, and tossed out in a merry Spring cleaning effort.

I read earlier either on Mystic's blog or Astro Rave about there being a feeling of finality in the air as Pluto gets ready to move into the sign of Capricorn ... and with all that's come to head here in the past 24 hours there is a certain sense of that.

There is also a sense of all this wisdom that has been gifted over this week, in the guise of quotes that all seems to make so much sense now. I understand now that I have been at the mercy of the expectations and demands of others, and as I have attempted to move away from that, into my own space and my own Truth, it has rocked the boats of those around me. When you shift energy, it shifts not just for yourself but those that you are connected with. As Newton said 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' ... and I've come to see and experience that all to clearly in the past day. Change is just change - its only a loss when those close to you want to keep the status quo alive and kicking - only then is change a loss.

I have had my Truth tossed into the firey forge and it has emerged shaken, but still in tact. I'm amazed at my ability to remain grounded in the maelstrom and to continue to believe in my words, my story and my conviction to share both. I can understand now why it is so difficult to stand up and tell your Truth - especially when it is closely woven with those of your family or your friends. When you stand to tell your truth you cannot help but tell their stories too - and not everyone wants to have their stories told. So pressure grows to keep everyone happy, to perpetuate the silence so no one is hurt, no one is angry and the status quo remains. When you supress your Truth to keep others happy part of you dies inside and its a slow, painful and miserable death - a cancer of dishonesty to yourself, until one day you wake up and you can't remember who you are any more. Someone in amongst the pressure to supress, you have to honour your own story - find a middle road some how .. to find Temperance - balance! This is my challenge now.

It makes me more adament and more passionate about continuing to share my story - to continue to hone my Truth and share it. The more woman who stand and share their stories, who stand in their Truth and be glorious, to be in their own authentic skins, the more women will be inspired to stand too and share their stories, to find their Truths. And when women do this, we'll all be fighting against the Shadows that strive to keep women silent - because women are their own worst enemies.

More Remedios Varo - this time "The Calling" or "One Who is called" - upon doing a little research I discovered that we share a birthday - though with her passing in 1963 we were never alive in the same year to celebrate. I'm not suprised that I was drawn to her artwork now.

Change

Change

is never a loss -

It is change only

-Vernon Howard -

The Mysic Path to Cosmic Power

I'm currently in a state of transition between the old and the new. As I wrote here between The New Year and the Chinese New Year I am taking stock, reviewing, assessing, clearing, finishing and letting go.

In this image from Remedios Varo the woman is leaving her psychoanalyst and dumping baggage into a well as she moves on. For me its difficult at the moment to actually dump the baggage, because I am still working on my final edition of Down to Birth. In essence I'm still carting the baggage.

While I am still caught in the HMA machine its easy for me to become bitter and angry - because I desperately want to move out and move on, but my personal integrity (thanks Annie for pointing this out to me this afternoon) wont allow me to just dump my stuff down the well and move on - however much I truly desire to do so. I need to finish this last edition, I need to honour the work and effort that others have put in, and I need to end this chapter of my life without regret or the haunting of my conscience. I want to leave being remember for all the right reasons. This is the legacy I deserve to bequeath myself.

But the problem is I keep getting caught - like a persnicketty crumb in the back of the throat. I try and cough to move it, I take a long slow drink, I stick my tongue down the back in some weird and completely wong movement ... but it remains stuck. I think of all the things that are difficult at the moment in relation to finishing the magazine, but without the energy nor the passion, I keep get stuck. Rather than resolving to find a new and creative solution to a problem layout, an article that requires rewriting, photos that need to be resent or artists that dont return my emails, I just turn the computer off, walk away and pretend that it doesn't exist. Sigh ... I need to swallow my pride and accept the challenge head on ... reminding myself all the time that I can do this ... that the time for dropping the bundle down the well is nigh.

The other aspect that I continue to struggle with is to not demonise what (which also includes who) I am moving from. I need to remind myself that I made the choices to do what I did in the past three and a bit years, I choose to be the martyr and it was not anyone else's doing. While there are things about the last three years that are difficult to accept (there is that word again) there have been many wonderful and positive aspects to everything I have done in the past three years. While I may have been a shadow artist during my time as Editor and Layout Designer for Down to Birth - it helped me to keep in touch with the artist within me, until it was strong and confident to emerge from the shadows.

It seems that while I'm transiting its easier to see things with a negative pall cast on it. Perhaps its a survival mechanism that I have created to help me move on from things. I wrote the other day that I am not a bridge burner but I think I lied - while I dont tend to burn bridges with people, I tend to burn bridges in other domains - even if its only within my head. It's something to be mindful of and to give myself permission for these thoughts and feelings to pass through me, rather morphing them into a cord in which to bind myself with. So my challenge is to just accept this change that is occuring both within and around me, to understand and honour the truth as it is, was and will be, and finally, to allow myself to move forward with grace and conviction - the grace bit being the hardest of course!

What have you recently changed in your life? What presented the greatest challenge for you in accepting and being a positive part of this change?

Acceptance

Today's quote, pulled from my trusty Guide for the Advanced Soul earlier on today - seems to speak to me on numerous levels now .. I guess that true acceptance in one of the practices of authenticity - if you can just be in the moment and not be yearning for the past or the future, then you are being true to yourself. You are accepting, being in the moment is without demands or expectations.

I not only need to accept those around me, forsaking demands and expectations, but I need to practise the same with myself - to allow for less demands, less expectations and more opportunities to just be me - whoever I am in that moment - whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Having experienced tonight, the true breaking down to the primal me, it was incredibly nurturing to have Dave and Dylan to just accept me as the howling (and oh yes it was primal and raw) mess I was on the kitchen floor, as the welled up rage, frustration and sorrow came spewing out - both literally and metaphorically. I knew it was coming, but I have bee fighting to hold back the flood tides of negative emotions and experiences. I dont think that I have ever cried so hard that I couldn't breathe any longer , like I did tonight on my kitchen floor as dinner popped and bubbled above me. The constriction in my chest was so tight it felt as though my airway was blocked. The anger was so desperate to leave I actually vomitted it up.

Neither Dave nor Dylan tried to fix me, nor tell me to get up and stop being silly - they just sat or stood next to me and allowed me to (finally!) let it all out. There were no offers of tissues, not consoling words - just there presence and witness of me in my terrible glory. Dylan wanted to know later, as I was resting in bed, why I was sad and what was wrong with me - Dave told him simply that I was tired ... and that was probably the whole truth of it. Not just tired physically - tired emotionally and spiritually ... and probably intellectually and psychologically as well. Dylan laid down next to me a little later and told me that he was sure I would be better tomorrow. He's not used to seeing tears from me - but at least he's seen part of the authentic me.

I've been reminded in the most awful of ways what will happen to me if I dont take the time to rest when I bleed - when I don't for one day tell the world to stop so I can get off, and allow myself some time to rest and regenerate. I need to accept it and so does my family and friends. I have learnt that its not rhetoric - its wisdom and its meant to be walked, not just talked.

So I've been to a dark dark place tonight - somewhere I dont go often, but somewhere I obviously have to go from time to time to purge, because I'm not good at allowing the anger and frustration out as it occurs. And, I'm feeling vulnerable, washed out, raw and in a way empty ... it seems there was a lot of anger and bitterness being carried around. They seem to be quite hefty in weight - but I guess anything that is carried in your heart space is.

And I've just been reminded to honour this space that I'm currently in - I rarely allow myself to feel vulnerable or raw. So with grace I shall accept my vulnerability and my rawness, because there is beauty here.

Peace of mind

comes from not wanting

to change others

but by simply accepting them

as they are,

True acceptance

is always without demands

and expectations

- Gerald G Jampolsky -

Love is Letting Fear Go

Image by Alan M Sherwood