Acceptance

Today's quote, pulled from my trusty Guide for the Advanced Soul earlier on today - seems to speak to me on numerous levels now .. I guess that true acceptance in one of the practices of authenticity - if you can just be in the moment and not be yearning for the past or the future, then you are being true to yourself. You are accepting, being in the moment is without demands or expectations.

I not only need to accept those around me, forsaking demands and expectations, but I need to practise the same with myself - to allow for less demands, less expectations and more opportunities to just be me - whoever I am in that moment - whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Having experienced tonight, the true breaking down to the primal me, it was incredibly nurturing to have Dave and Dylan to just accept me as the howling (and oh yes it was primal and raw) mess I was on the kitchen floor, as the welled up rage, frustration and sorrow came spewing out - both literally and metaphorically. I knew it was coming, but I have bee fighting to hold back the flood tides of negative emotions and experiences. I dont think that I have ever cried so hard that I couldn't breathe any longer , like I did tonight on my kitchen floor as dinner popped and bubbled above me. The constriction in my chest was so tight it felt as though my airway was blocked. The anger was so desperate to leave I actually vomitted it up.

Neither Dave nor Dylan tried to fix me, nor tell me to get up and stop being silly - they just sat or stood next to me and allowed me to (finally!) let it all out. There were no offers of tissues, not consoling words - just there presence and witness of me in my terrible glory. Dylan wanted to know later, as I was resting in bed, why I was sad and what was wrong with me - Dave told him simply that I was tired ... and that was probably the whole truth of it. Not just tired physically - tired emotionally and spiritually ... and probably intellectually and psychologically as well. Dylan laid down next to me a little later and told me that he was sure I would be better tomorrow. He's not used to seeing tears from me - but at least he's seen part of the authentic me.

I've been reminded in the most awful of ways what will happen to me if I dont take the time to rest when I bleed - when I don't for one day tell the world to stop so I can get off, and allow myself some time to rest and regenerate. I need to accept it and so does my family and friends. I have learnt that its not rhetoric - its wisdom and its meant to be walked, not just talked.

So I've been to a dark dark place tonight - somewhere I dont go often, but somewhere I obviously have to go from time to time to purge, because I'm not good at allowing the anger and frustration out as it occurs. And, I'm feeling vulnerable, washed out, raw and in a way empty ... it seems there was a lot of anger and bitterness being carried around. They seem to be quite hefty in weight - but I guess anything that is carried in your heart space is.

And I've just been reminded to honour this space that I'm currently in - I rarely allow myself to feel vulnerable or raw. So with grace I shall accept my vulnerability and my rawness, because there is beauty here.

Peace of mind

comes from not wanting

to change others

but by simply accepting them

as they are,

True acceptance

is always without demands

and expectations

- Gerald G Jampolsky -

Love is Letting Fear Go

Image by Alan M Sherwood

The Age of Authenticity

Authenticity: (Noun) The quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine

While New Years Resolutions are a good guide or map as to the direction in which you want to travel in the following year, they are often so discrete that they don't give much room to move. You're either 'doing it' or you're 'not doing it' ... in which case often before the end of January the gym membership is already gathering cobwebs in your wallet/purse, the fridge is full of chocolate again, or in a weak moment you've had a cigarette/fought with your sibling ... you get the gist.

I've always liked to set resolutions that could be built on over time, some that were achieveable in the immediate term, some in the short term, others in the long term. After all - you dont just build a house ... foundations need to be laid, a structure erected so and so forth. Small victories lead in to larger ones further down the track.

This year rather than scribe a massive list of things that I want to do, achieve, give up etc ... I've picked a theme - authenticity. It's a term that seems to be appearing more and more often in my thoughts and my personal writing. I want to be authentic to myself this year - to my character, to my family, to my idiosyncracies, to my ethics and morals, to my dreams and ambitions, to my mind and body, to my feelings and emotions ... and more importantly to my soul.

To begin walking a path of authenticity, I've realised that there is much that I need to shed from the past few years. This wont be a process that will be totally complete by Chinese New Year (7th February) but while the moon is waning* its time for me to consider what needs to be let go of ... and not just in terms of responsiblities, work committments, but in terms of ego ... what I need to relinquish or at least identify within me that no longer works.

Anger keeps bubbling up ... which reminds me that part of being authentic is acknowledging and working with my shadow self. This is a challenge as its socially sanctioned to keep these negative sides of ourselves underwraps. But I think that I am ready and willing to rise to this challenge.

If you could bless your coming year with a one word theme, what would it be?

*the waning moon phase is a time of decay, and a returning to the earth. It's a good time to dispose, shed or bid farewell to anything that is not currently working in your life. It's what helps to lay fertile ground (think of a compost!) for the coming month. It's also a great time to weed your garden, give your pets a flea treatment, etc.

Pele: depression, obesity and tiredness

Over the past few days I have been reading 'The Dark Goddess: dancing with the shadow' by Marcia Starck and Gynne Stern. It was one of those impulse buys when in Bent Books at West End on my last Artist's Date. It literally jumped out of the self and into my hand.

I was reading the section on Pele the Hawaiian Goddess of violence, volcanoes, jealousy and lightning (in her dark aspect) Christmas Night. The following really struck a chord with me, especially as I've been on a bit of a quest to better understand the origins of my anger ...

Masks by Rain Walker

"Depression, far more common to women than to men, is often repressed anger. It is safer for many women to appear and feel depressed than to be angry. Anger then gets pushed down into the shadow where it erupts or spews forth unexpectantly, similar to the way a volcano blows its top. Unfortunately hidden anger is a great energy drain, but the chronically tired woman often doesn't know what is wrong with her and blames herself for always feeling tired. Obesity too is connected with hidden anger. Fat protects the body from feeling too strongly impinged on from the outside; also tired women eat for energy." Page 48-49

This made me think about my own battles with depression in the past and what was a possible source for my anger. The largest and most serious episode of depression was the first year I was living with my ex partner. I was angry with him for not understanding me and what was important to me. I felt very alone and without anyone to confide in. I felt as though I had made my bed and had to lie in it, regardless of what it was doing to me, in terms of my relationship. Part of me was also stubbornly determined to make my relationship work - to prove to family and friends interstate that I could have a serious, stable relationship, and that someone could love me - even if that someone didn't really love me and was abusing me in subtle, but powerful ways.

I was incredibly angry with my employment situation at the time and felt as though I was being taken advantage of - working 40 hours a week as a Nanny/housekeeper and then was looking after the same kids another three nights a week while my bosses played sport, or went to bible study class. My partner at the time couldn't understand what was wrong with me - he believed that as a couple we were on a good wicket and told me to try harder. But my anger was explosive and dangerous to both myself and the kids whose care I was entrusted.



In regards to my employment, in true Pele form I exploded and had a screaming match with my boss (I was working as a Nanny) the day before I was to return to work, and she returned that evening with my severance pay. Finding new employment, in a position that gave me responsbility, scope for growth and a chance to have some fun (not to mention 100km from where I was living and beyond the grasp of my ex boss) helped me to climb out of my depression.



And I know my current round of stacking on the weight has to do with my anger. It falls around my belly (to the point that I'm mistaken for being pregnant) and its like the extra weight there is protecting that nurturing centre, whilst I work out and heal the deep anger inside that has to do with the nurturing I'm missing out on from my own mother. And I'm tired for no particular reason, so its time again to look for my anger, and to excavate its source to find a way to heal.


Julia Cameron says that our anger is a compass .. buts its hard to follow the needles when the compass is hidden. Perhaps its time to call on Pele to help me find the way?