Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Today's quote, pulled from my trusty Guide for the Advanced Soul earlier on today - seems to speak to me on numerous levels now .. I guess that true acceptance in one of the practices of authenticity - if you can just be in the moment and not be yearning for the past or the future, then you are being true to yourself. You are accepting, being in the moment is without demands or expectations.

I not only need to accept those around me, forsaking demands and expectations, but I need to practise the same with myself - to allow for less demands, less expectations and more opportunities to just be me - whoever I am in that moment - whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Having experienced tonight, the true breaking down to the primal me, it was incredibly nurturing to have Dave and Dylan to just accept me as the howling (and oh yes it was primal and raw) mess I was on the kitchen floor, as the welled up rage, frustration and sorrow came spewing out - both literally and metaphorically. I knew it was coming, but I have bee fighting to hold back the flood tides of negative emotions and experiences. I dont think that I have ever cried so hard that I couldn't breathe any longer , like I did tonight on my kitchen floor as dinner popped and bubbled above me. The constriction in my chest was so tight it felt as though my airway was blocked. The anger was so desperate to leave I actually vomitted it up.

Neither Dave nor Dylan tried to fix me, nor tell me to get up and stop being silly - they just sat or stood next to me and allowed me to (finally!) let it all out. There were no offers of tissues, not consoling words - just there presence and witness of me in my terrible glory. Dylan wanted to know later, as I was resting in bed, why I was sad and what was wrong with me - Dave told him simply that I was tired ... and that was probably the whole truth of it. Not just tired physically - tired emotionally and spiritually ... and probably intellectually and psychologically as well. Dylan laid down next to me a little later and told me that he was sure I would be better tomorrow. He's not used to seeing tears from me - but at least he's seen part of the authentic me.

I've been reminded in the most awful of ways what will happen to me if I dont take the time to rest when I bleed - when I don't for one day tell the world to stop so I can get off, and allow myself some time to rest and regenerate. I need to accept it and so does my family and friends. I have learnt that its not rhetoric - its wisdom and its meant to be walked, not just talked.

So I've been to a dark dark place tonight - somewhere I dont go often, but somewhere I obviously have to go from time to time to purge, because I'm not good at allowing the anger and frustration out as it occurs. And, I'm feeling vulnerable, washed out, raw and in a way empty ... it seems there was a lot of anger and bitterness being carried around. They seem to be quite hefty in weight - but I guess anything that is carried in your heart space is.

And I've just been reminded to honour this space that I'm currently in - I rarely allow myself to feel vulnerable or raw. So with grace I shall accept my vulnerability and my rawness, because there is beauty here.

Peace of mind
comes from not wanting
to change others
but by simply accepting them
as they are,

True acceptance
is always without demands
and expectations

- Gerald G Jampolsky -
Love is Letting Fear Go

Image by Alan M Sherwood


Catherine said...

This may sound a tad of an understandment in the aftermath... it all does sound a wee bit cathartic...and rather illuminating.

I'm slightly in awe at the fullness and naturalness, the dynamic of Dylan and Dave's reaction.

d sinclair said...

I came looking for this post last night after we emailed - but there must have been some time lag thing happening, I couldn't see it.

anyway, congratulations, it appears you've had a breakthrough. Yes, acceptance means loving everything the way it is, not the way it 'should be' or 'might be' or we 'want it to be'. This is what I've been getting to, and writing about, lately - to stop the energy-draining struggle with reality, to love all the parts of myself, even the shadows, even the witchy, bratty bits, Old Mother Bone Maker - all of me.

We don't live our whole lives in daylight - we have nights; we have darkness.

Isn't it amazing how, even in your raw state, you observed how Dave and Dylan accepted you?

Here's to taking better care and to honouring all the mysteries of ourselves.